Through her eyes

chinese zodiac

2012-01-30T19:00:00.000-08:00

If you were born in any of these years, your Chinese zodiac is a dog.

1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030

The dog is:

Loyal, faithful, and true, people born in the Year of the Dog make the best of friends.

As such, they often inspire confidence in others and are always willing to help those in need.

The Dog is not showy, and sometimes can be shy at social gatherings. Their role is more apt to be as good listeners, and they usually make good companions for the more demonstrative or gregarious personalities of the zodiac.

A born worrier, the Dog people can sometimes bark and bite at those around them, or become highly critical of others who do not share their same highly developed sense of honor and duty. Conversely, Dogs may become quiet, cool and judgemental with loved ones who arouse their anger, but they will always remain devoted.

Although young Dogs are apt to find fault at every passing injustice, the more mature will usually grow less anxious and take matters far less seriously as they age. Their basic ideal of guarding against the wrongs of society as a whole stays with them, however. It is certainly always the Dog who can be relied upon to speak up for the disenfranchised and downtrodden.

Dogs do not consciously seek out riches, but neither do they ever want for creature comforts. With their considerable talents and innate qualities, Dogs usually excel as effective social activists, teachers, nurses or doctors.

Dogs can be overly shy when making friends or courting someone. If they are interested, they want to make certain you are as well before expressing any interest. They are emotionally sensitive people, who don't take wounds to the heart very easily. As a lover, Dogs are compassionate, supportive partners, eager to hear about your day at work or the project you just finished. They share the highs and lows of being in love, defending their partners to anyone who attacks them.

If you were born in any of the following years, you are a monkey

1908*1920*1932*1944*1956*1968*1980*1992*2004

The monkey is:

Monkeys, of all the other signs, are the most promiscuous. They are flirtatious and like to seek the attention of others to get what they want. They are easily bored and must be stimulated intellectually as well as physically in order to stay around for extended periods of time. The Monkey can be clever, mischievous and manipulative when pursuing a love interest.

Monkeys are fun and loving persons who are always cheerful and energetic. They are very clever. Give a monkey a boring book to read and he'll turn it into a Musical. Better yet, he'll invite everyone to see it free! That's how talented, creative and generous monkeys usually are.

If you go to a party, you'll find Monkeys at the center of attention. Their charm and humor is the key to their popularity. Sociable and diplomatic as they may appear, they can be deceptive sometimes - they hide their opinions of others beneath their friendliness. But they don't hide their emotion. You can probably tell how a monkey is feeling from miles away - he wants everyone to know how happy or depressed he is.

Monkey people are very good at problem-solving. Wherever you are, whoever you may be, if you've got a problem pick up the phone and dial-a-Monkey. Monkeys know how to listen closely and work out solutions at the same time. And because Monkeys' curiosity, they usually have a great thirst for knowledge. Still they have few scruples - they could be unreasonable sometimes, and they have the ability to persuade themselves and everyone around them to believe that they are doing the right things. Some say monkeys are self-centered, some say they are opportunistic, some say they are guileful, but monkeys couldn't care less - because they are also indifferent.

If you were born in the following years you are a snake:

1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001

A snake is:

Snakes have always been the seducers of human beings. If you know the story of "The White Snake", you will understand what I mean. In reality, Snake people are born charming and popular. Snakes are spotlight magnets, and they will not be ignored. Peer group attention and public recognition are the least of what he expects. Yet Snakes are never noisy or deliberately outspoken, and they have have excellent manners.

Unlike the Snake who seduced Eve in to sin. the astrological Snake, is not a devil, not even a little demon. The Snake is a nice oversexed normal human being. Determined to follow through anything he undertakes to the bitter end, the Snake detests being left in the air. He makes his decisions quickly and firmly.

Most people are secretly or hopelessly in love with Snakes. Gather those frustrated folk you know and most likely, they are probably in love with a Snake. Irresistible as they seem, the Snake never wastes time in idle gossip. He thinks often and deeply. He is an intellectual, a philosophers, a cerebral person. Snake people rely heavily on first impressions, on their own feelings, on their sympathies, rather than on facts, on the advice and opinions on others. He seems to have a kind of sixth sense in this way.

Snakes are a bit tight when it comes to lending money, though his sympathy for others often leads him to offer help. The fatal flaw in his character is, in fact, a tendency to exaggerate - in helping friends as with everything else. If he does somebody a favor, he becomes possessive towards them in an odd way.

Another big flaw in a Snake's character is that, they are capable of biggie lies. White lies, true lies, whatever they call them, though they don't lie often, they do lie when they feel they can get away from it.

In money matters, the Snake has good luck: he doesn't have to worry - he'll always be able to lay his hand on money when he needs it. Generally, Snakes are careful but generous with friends and family. The Snake should stick to careers that won't involve him in any risk - even the risk of working too hard, for to tell the truth, the Snake is a bit lazy.

She loves me; She loves me not.

2012-01-30T16:00:00.000-08:00

Trying to shake this feeling..feeling of loneliness. (subconscious mind-you're incapable of being alone; you're afraid because you think you are missing out on something)

You see the thing is...I really do love her, but I love me more. I tried to give her everything I had, but I felt like she just ran away with all of my stuff. Should I give it back to her? (subconscious mind- you should never allow anyone to have that much power over you.)

It hurts like hell. What hurts the most is not knowing if that person will still love you the same tomorrow. What is she thinking. I wonder if she is even thinking at all. Maybe she's at a standstill like me. (subconscious mind- you know she's thinking of you, why do you always need reassurance?)

I promised myself to write. I promised myself to write from the heart and never stop, anything to keep my mind occupied or off of her. Now I see what opening your heart to someone does to someone like me. All of the emotions come oozing out of my pores at once and then all of a sudden I lose control. Utterly lost and helpless because I can't seem to see what's inside of me, and this is what breaks down my nerves. This is what sends them flying in every direction. (subconscious mind- gain control of yourself; everything is going to be just fine).

If I can write at least one blog a day, at least then, I can think about being responsible for my own learning, instead of thinking about how miserable I am without her. Things just aren't the same anymore. Does she even care? You see, I have to ask myself that once or twice, so that I can remember how worthy I am. Why do I even need reassurance? (subconscious mind-maybe it's because you can't seem to pull the confidence from anywhere else). Subconscious mind- you know she does love you the best way she knows how.

Love hates me

2012-01-28T09:48:00.000-08:00

You drive me crazy uncontrollably
Then you say my name and shout at me insanely
What am I to do with you?
So in love with you
But I every time I turn around, there's some shit with you.
You say you met a girl,
So she caught your eye.
Somehow I think there's more to this, and I don't know why.
Finally, I opened up my heart but now I have to say good riddance.
Or am I just afraid to love,
Don't know why I can't just give in.
Although it hurts like hell,
I just can't open up to you.
As I drown in all my miseries,
And feel this pain anew.
This word called trust is such a scary thing.
If I listen for a moment,
It might take away my pain.

Spirits of the Dead

2010-12-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

Awaken

2010-12-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

When the time comes, the universe will awaken, and the planet we know as home will be no more. You must ask yourself how much of what you see, feel, and hear is actually real. Scientists have been studying human nature for hundreds of years and probably know more about ourselves than we do. What we hear, feel, and see is maybe only 1/10 of reality. Frequencies in the polluted air provoking confusion about who we really are. When will it end? What will we become? Where will we go?

Two girls went to the cemetery in search of an adventure. They left with something that couldn't be explained. What they failed to understand is that they were already there. We are there now! Wake up people!

You know what would be really cool?

What?

We should sneak into that cemetery up the street.

Which one? The historical one?

No, the one with the McDonald's and the jungle gym in front, of course the historical one.

Oh...

Disintegrated pieces of slaves rotting in the ground, now that's something I totally want to check out.

29 minutes later

Oh shit, this creeps me out. I've never danced with the dead.

Did you remember to bring the stuff?

Yeah, I got it don't worry; I can't believe you coerced me into doing this. It's so dark. Are we supposed to climb over that gate? I thought funerary grounds were usually open to the public.

Yeah, just hoist yourself up onto the bar.

This probably isn't a good idea; we should go back.

Don't renege now; we've already walked this far.

(sighs) OK OK..

Stagnant air makes me feel as if I'm waiting for something to happen.

I know; this is somewhat eerie.

Light it up. You think anyone can smell it?

Like who, we're the only ones out here.

57 minutes later

You see that tree over there?

Yeah, what about it?

It slightly resembles a Heglig tree.

You can name trees; that's astonishingly cool.

Yeah I can sense things too; I'm convinced they're with me all the time.

Who is with you all the time?

Those people standing over there.

What people?

Over there....

I don't see anyone. Are you fucking with me?

They're coming towards us; let's go.

Please don't hurt us! Who are you? What are you?

You must never tell anyone you saw us! Never tell anyone you saw us!

Run! Come on Let's go!

Wait...hold on, I can't jump over that gate as quickly as you.

Of course you can, just hike up your skirt; here I'll help you.

A police car just went by, what if they saw us? We're in so much trouble.

It doesn't matter; hurry up, I can hear them breathing.

13 days later

You've been acting a little strange ever since that night. What's up with you?

Just leave me alone, OK.

What was that we saw out there.

I don't know, but let's pretend it never happened and it'll go away.

16 days later

Somethings growing inside of me.

What are you talking about?

I think something followed us home that night.

Have you told anyone what we saw?

Only Mark...

Why did you do that? We were specifically told not to say anything!

Am I supposed to keep something like that in? He wouldn't whisper it to a soul.

19 days later

(Screams) Please get it out of me.

What do you want me to do?

Just get it out of me.
argh...I can feel something inside me too. What's happening to us?
27 days later

Where are we?

All of the animals are running in that direction. Let's follow them Let's hide behind these trees quick.

Whatever.

What do you think happens to us when we die?

Who knows, we probably just rot in the ground.

What about heaven and hell? Don't you believe in it?

Both are in the center of the earth.

What are you saying, do you think we're dead?

Why do your hands look like that? What's happening? What is that? Please Mister. Leave him alone. Don't do that. Please Mister. He's with me. Where are you taking him??

Aaaargh!

Welcome to Hell

Several years ago a book was published, entitled Beyond Death's Door by Dr. Maurice Rawlings. Dr. Rawlings, a specialist in Internal Medicine and Cardiovascular Disease, resuscitated many people who had been clinically dead. Dr. Rawlings, a devout atheist, "considered all religion "hocus-pocus" and death nothing more than a painless extinction". But something happened in 1977 that brought a dramatic change in the life of Dr. Rawlings! He was resuscitating a man, terrified and screaming — descending down into the flames of hell:

"Each time he regained heartbeat and respiration, the patient screamed, "I am in hell!" He was terrified and pleaded with me to help him. I was scared to death. . . Then I noticed a genuinely alarmed look on his face. He had a terrified look worse than the expression seen in death! This patient had a grotesque grimace expressing sheer horror! His pupils were dilated, and he was perspiring and trembling — he looked as if his hair was "on end."Then still another strange thing happened. He said,"Don't you understand? I am in hell. . . Don't let me go back to hell!" . . .the man was serious, and it finally occurred to me that he was indeed in trouble. He was in a panic like I had never seen before."

(Maurice Rawlings, Beyond Death's Door,(Thomas Nelson Inc., 1979) p. 3).

What is the government keeping from us?

2010-12-22T14:27:00.000-08:00

She Hate Me

2010-10-23T06:42:00.001-07:00

Now I may be crazy

But I see plainly

Through most people who show no decency

What came over me

I'm ashamed of me

She took my pride

and then played on all my weaknesses

Thought I finally found the one

In my whole life that I've been missing

But it was just a game to screw my mind

Which never was intended

Whatever happened to true love

It's my one and only mission

Shared my deepest darkest fears and animosities

She stole my insecurities,

Emotional rants and threw em back at me

What is this supposed to be

My philosophies on life have begotten me

Found true love and came to terms with reality

Euphoric feelings of love equated to an ecstasy

With her,

I attained a level of simplicity,

Not once consumed by my sexuality,

Helped me to become what I was meant to be.

True embodiment of soul, funk, passion, life

Has never felt so real in its truest form,

And what if we had endured the storm,

But now it's too late,

She awakes to new faces,

In new places,

Where love begins,

If only I had listened to that voice from within

Through her eyes

2010-10-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

They say I'm terrible in relationships. I really wanted to be with her. I want to prove the world wrong, and show them that I too am capable of loving another human being.

All alone I stand facing the world, drowning in fear and emotions. Vivid images fill my head at night. Dreaming of a world vicariously through another, or is it me?

Forgetting who I was yesterday and realizing who I am today. Another reality, another promise, another vision, another Me.

I understand my own reality quite well but fail to understand others. People estrange themselves from me because of this.

And this is where it leads........

She wanted to be with her. She was in a relationship that didn't make her happy. He beat all the sadness out of her. He took away everything she worked so hard for. But it was what Daddy wanted. Daddy wanted her to be with someone who had money. Daddy wanted her to be with someone like him. Immaculate, bright, and sharp from a distance. Nothing else really mattered.

He would never allow her to be with another woman. Morally wrong. Unscrupulous. It was completely unorthodox and unjust for any daughter of his.

But if only he could meet her, and see what she saw, he would change his mind.

Conforming was the right thing to do. It was what people expected from you, and it was the only way to be accepted. Everyone seeks acceptance. We awake every morning craving change, and facile solutions for our dully neglected lives; but with change comes judgement, so we reject it.

Making change work for you is allowing yourself to feel every moment, but our insurmountable fears of becoming a new person negate all possibilities for change.

They'll never accept who you are so just be what you are.

He wanted me to change several times, but she wouldn't let me. And still daddy prefers him in spite of our differences, and unrelenting anger.

Although a woman was able to cater to her emotional needs, she found it difficult to love her. Before she could be with another woman, she needed to understand the woman in herself.

By excluding men, are we as women rejecting the feminine aspects of ourselves?

But whenever she's far away, my feelings grow distant and all the emptiness in the world comes tumbling beneath me.

Everyone should confront loneliness at least once in their lives.

Should I pity myself?

There's no need to pity myself today for I'll only become another person tomorrow.

Strange Love

2010-09-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

While sitting at the gas station, I was robbed. He jumped into the car and put a gun to my head.

He thought I was attractive. On the way home he entertained the idea of making love to me. He stripped down completely naked and said if I didn't make love to him, he would shoot me.

For some odd reason, I couldn't see his face. The blurred images of his nose and mouth made no sense to me.

I told him I'd give him what he wanted if he let me go.

I pretended to care about what he wanted; I pretended to like him.

"Taking something that belongs to you really isn't a good idea."

Finally, he let me go.

While driving home I thought about how I almost died. It didn't feel as if I were driving on the road. I felt as if I were walking on water.

Once I got home, my foot went dead. I knew something bad was going to happen. I turned around and he was standing there.

He had followed me home. He wanted to meet my family. I told him he could.

"First let me call my mom and tell her you're coming up. Please, I don't want to scare her."

" I could see him still holding the gun."

"If you want a shot at redemption, you're gonna have to put that thing away.""Why are you even here?" "I thought we had a deal." "Remember the talk we had about not taking from others."

"It's something about what you said to me. No one's ever spoken to me that way before."

"It seems men usually open up to people who have confidence in them."

"Why are you so afraid of me?" "We shouldn't fear what we don't know. It only thwarts our growing process and inhibits us from evolving into more capable human beings."

"So are you saying I should trust you?"

"No, I'm saying you should learn me." "We were meant to be together."

"But why can't I see your face, I only need to see your face."

Come sit next to me , and Ill show you what I'm talking about.

"Place your hand next to mine, and tell me you don't feel that energy. It's so strong and warm."

I noticed a mystical light forming around his hands.

It was that moment I realized we were supposed to be.

But I wasn't sure how I should react.

2 hours ago this guy held a gun to my head and forced me to make love to him.

But I couldn't deny this feeling.

He kissed me.

Right before I felt his tongue slip into my mouth, I woke up.

A dream.

I opened my eyes to see him standing over me with a gun.

I could see his face.

It was my father.

Right before he shot me, he forced me to make love to him.

The Way You Make Me Feel

2010-09-15T06:28:00.000-07:00

Dream of you constantly

Think of you daily

Never knew such feelings

Could exist in me

The things you say to me

The way you crave me

The climactic point I reach

When you say baby

Contemplating a whole new world

With you has given me perspective

On the way I used to live

Devoid of joy and apoplectic

The feelings I have for you

Will always be protected

Our conversations take me places

And I truly do respect it

We're connected,

At first it was a game

But now I'm so addicted

To your love,

Reverberates through my heart blissfully

Impatiently awaiting the day

You say,

Will you marry me

Somewhere Within

2010-09-10T00:57:00.001-07:00

They say we cannot evolve

Without a deity

What hypocrisy

Why can't society

Just embrace me

And understand that

True elements of the earth

Are what shape me

And how are we supposed to grow

Without guidance in our lives

And no place to go

Just open up your heart

And confront your soul

You know you're living a lie

When there seems to be no control

Secret societies sit by and say do as you're told

Why is it more difficult to embrace our true selves

When we're faced with getting old

Everywhere but Nowhere

2010-09-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

Come away with me

Walk deeply into my mind

So that you can see

Mistakes I've made from insecurities

And witness the disillusioned person

Whom I cannot see

And please take it slow

All I ask is that you shape

My mind so it can grow

You immensely liberate my spirit

Through our chemistry

And for this reason I believe

We could totally exist as one identity

If only we'd let things be

but lately,

You seem more willing and ready to embrace me

Although it shouldn't phase me

The thought of not being accepted

Eats away at my soul insanely

Which is why everytime I run or hide

It makes you go crazy

But there's nothing you can say to me

You could change who you are

But that still wouldn't change me

Lost and confused in the mind and soul

I walk earth alone with no place to go

My First Three Months as a Vegetarian

2010-08-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

As the obesity rates continue to rise, vegetarianism is quickly becoming the new trend to staying healthy.

My First month

My first month without meat was very challenging. I felt light headed throughout the day and I was always hungry. Whenever one is detoxifying or freeing their body from any toxins, they should drink a lot of water.

Water flushes toxins out of your body and it temporarily eases hunger pains. For the most part I felt lighter, but I barely made it through the day on eggs and peanuts; I still was unsure about what I could and couldn't eat.

Number 1 rule as a vegetarian.

"It's very important to eat many different kinds of foods a day. As a non meat eater, your body needs nutrients from different foods."

My second month

The diet began to take a toll on my me. Patches of dry skin began to form all over my body. It was gross and very unattractive. It itched like crazy. After doing lots of research, I discovered I had developed a nasty skin condition called eczema.

Being the stubborn woman that I am, I recalcitrated against a visit to the doctor so that I could take my body through a natural healing process. The eczema was horrifying. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night because the scratching was unbearable. Usually soaking in a hot bath temporarily eased the pain.

Natural ways to heal eczema

-eat raw foods

-keep body well moisturized at all times

-drink lots of water

-don't exert yourself or engage in too much physical activity

-get plenty of rest

-abstain from eating too much sugar

It seemed as though my body was cleansing itself through my skin. A person's body heals through different organs during the detoxifying process. Being that skin is the largest organ of the body it can absorb many good and bad things. Everyone said I should go to the doctor but I saw my eczema as a good thing. It was my body's way of getting rid of all the bad stuff I had eaten throughout the years. Rashes or scars are usually a sign of healing.

My third month

I put myself on a sugar free diet and continued to eat raw foods. Raw foods are filled with amino acids which are building blocks of proteins. When cooking, amino acids in foods can be destroyed hence raw foods are much healthier for the body. I also managed to get 10-11 hours of sleep a night. On average, I took 2-3 showers a day. It's important to keep your body clean while naturally healing from eczema.

Gradually, my eczema began to heal. The scars were slowly starting to disappear. During the first three months, I also experienced acne.

Tips for getting rid of acne

Step 1-steam your face to open up your pores

Step 2- deep clean your pores with face wash (exfoliate at least once a week)

Step 3- close pores with cold water (I sometimes use 100% pure honey to close my pores)

Step 4- moisturizer

A vegetarian diet can be very dangerous if not done properly. A healthy and balanced vegetarian diet includes:

1. Whole grains (5 or more servings a day)

2. Vegetables (3 or more servings a day)

3. Fruit (3 or more servings a day)

4. Legumes (2 or more servings a day)

Vegetarian diets are sacrificing but are definitely rewarding in the end. Here are some benefits from my new healthy diet.

1. More energy

2. I haven't coughed in six months

3 Soft and clear skin

4. Shiny and Healthy body hair

5. My body odor isn't as strong

6. Clear headed (It's easier to concentrate)

Why men cheat: A glimpse into the male perspective.

2010-08-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Damsels in distress, why are we so afraid of opening up and loving our men unconditionally? I absolutely loathe those four brooding words: He cheated on me!

"He cheated on me; he doesn't deserve me; I'm leaving him.

Let's take a step back and focus on the real issue: Have you ever stopped to think why he cheated on you? When a man cheats, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you; it's just his indirect way of saying you don't recognize his worth.

"But doesn't he know how much I appreciate him?"

Let's look at some reasons men don't feel adored by their significant others:

1. When your boyfriend confronts you, do you berate him like a four year old child, or do you openly listen to what he has to say?

2. Do you make him feel incompetent even though he gives it his all?

3. Do you make him feel trusted and appreciated by focusing on the positive things he has done for you?

Ladies, once our men start to feel useless and overlooked, resentment settles in. Once he resents you, there's a big chance he'll end up cheating on you.

Consistently cherishing his love may assuage his desires to be with another woman.

Example:

Lisa and John have been dating for nearly 3 years. Once Lisa discovered John was cheating, she immediately shut him out and denied all chances of loving him again.

"I don't understand your motives in seeking sexual satisfaction outside this relationship."

John loves Lisa very much, but his needs and ambitions are completely unfathomable to her.

He needs to feel as though Lisa is gaining something from this relationship; instead John believes he is a complete waste of her time.

Men do everything in their power to solve women's problems and make their lives easier. If we as women constantly reject our men's right to support us, they may seek comfort elsewhere.

John tries to talk to Lisa, but whenever he does he feels hopelessly rejected. Lisa says that John isn't a real man; she believes she's in this relationship alone. Lisa encourages John to confront her with problems, but when he does, she belittles her boyfriend and accuses him of being weak.

Poor John, helpless and lost, he meets a lady at work who openly listens to what he has to say. Instead of oppressing him with words of reproach, this sagacious woman assists John in becoming a better man. John and the woman eventually end up sleeping together.

I'm not saying men should cheat; I'm saying that as women, we should reassure our men in relationships so they don't get the urge to cheat.

Ladies, men are a lot more fragile and insecure than we think; they need support from us. We should do whatever we can to make them feel loved and needed.

5 simple ways to make our men feel worthy and loved are:

1. Say at least one positive thing to your partner a day.

2. Tell your man you love him more often.

3. Focus more on the positive things in your relationship.

4. Convince him that it is okay to confront you with problems.

5. Constantly reassure him he is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Problem Child

2010-07-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

My mother said I was absolutely the worst child anyone could ever bring into this world.

"One of us is leaving this world and it isn't going to be me."

By the age of 3, I had evolved into this selfish, misanthropic wench refusing to take orders from anyone.

So mother ordered me to clean my room. "No,"I quickly told her. For some strange reason, she believed locking me in a chamber was going to teach me a lesson.

This was simply ludicrous to me. "Why should I listen to anything she says?"

I unlocked the door and strutted into the living room where my mom was watching TV. She watched me with mere concentration as I pranced directly in front of the television set. I walked with a kind of saunter as if I didn't have a care in the world.

While focusing in on her face, I pulled my pants down, squatted and took a shit right there on her living room carpet.

Appalled, outraged, and uneasy, my mom just about had enough, and it was that very moment, she believed she was going to jail for the murder of her first born.

She then sent me to the kitchen and told me to sit down while she baked a cake for my father's birthday.

I soon grew restless observing my mom as she mixed up ingredients in my favorite red bowl. I felt as if I should be doing something. I was missing out on all the action.

The doorbell rang! "Stay put," said my mom. "I'll be right back so don't touch ANYTHING."

This should be easy I thought. 3 or 4 minutes had gone by and I was starting to get itchy feet.

"That cake mix sure does smell good, and it looks good too, sitting in that bowl all messy and stuff."

I unhesitatingly dipped my finger into the bowl just to get a taste. What's one taste going to hurt; she will never know.

Before I knew it, I was dipping my fingers into the bowl and onto my scalp. It was cool and refreshing.

"My mom shouldn't mind this at all. What harm could anything to do my hair if it smelt this good?"

"You're nothing but a damn problem child!"

"That's what you are!"

"You need a playmate!"

"Oh lord, I knew I should've had another child right after you"

By the time she delivered that last line, the cake mix had deeply sunk into my scalp.

I mean it was everywhere. It looked as if someone had dropped an entire box of baking soda onto my head.

Infuriated, mommy dearest did what she knew best: She beat me!

She beat me all day long. Whenever she was reminded of cake mix or dog shit, I awoke to the sounds of belt straps working over my back. By the end of the day, red thick welts began to form all over my body.

By the time my father arrived, I had given up. I was already packing my things. Well things I believed would protect me from the dark and lonely world: A pickle cheese sandwich and my Flo Jo Barbie doll with the long pink finger nails.

In retrospect, I don't know which was more disturbing: The fact that I considered running away at such a young age or the idea of my mom allowing me to run away at a such a young age.

My mom still recounts those stories with me saying I was the problem child of the century, the worst child anyone could ever bring into this world.

But at least I was HER problem child, and no matter how much of a pain in the ass I was, nothing was ever going to keep us apart.

Happy Birthday Mr. President

2010-07-30T00:55:00.000-07:00

All week I had been trying to think of something to say during my big meeting with the president. I had just won a prestigious writer's award, so President Bush decided to honor me and a few others at the whitehouse.

I couldn't believe it; I was actually accepting a respectable award from a man who thinks Africa is a nation.

I was confused: Should I be elated or merely concerned for my future?

Ten minutes later a limousine arrived, and I was one step closer to having all my dreams come true. On the way to the whitehouse, I thought of several hot topics to address with Mr. President. Maybe we could discuss the peaceful co-existence between human and fish or maybe he could explain what that actually means. If our president is revered as one of the most honest and virtuous men in our country, why do I get the feeling he knows where to get some blowe?

Here we are: Ten steps away from the Big White!

The moment I stepped into the oval office I was floured with all these feelings of pleasure. I had to tell someone, but everyone looked incredibly tense with fear, so I decided to lighten up the mood a bit. I looked over at the woman standing next to me and said:

"Is it me or has President Bush grown incredibly sexy within the last year."

"Uhmmm...." The young woman murmured under her breath. She completely ignored my inept remark about the president and continued to sip her club soda.

"No need to answer, I just thought I would get the word out."

There he was, unlike any man I had ever seen before: sagacious, kind, and easy going. There was a brief moment of silence, as everyone quickly scanned him with their eyes.

So what if he wasn't aware that blacks existed in other countries; and so what if he was kind enough to ask the President of Brazil if they had blacks too-maybe he was trying to make small talk. He was, in my opinion, utterly breathtaking. The idea of repressing my salacious thoughts about him any longer was too much to bear.

"He should know the truth."

"Oh dear president, if only you knew I entered this contest, not just to accept an award from you but only to be closer to you."

"Ok, here goes!"

Mr. President!

Startled by my untimely outburst, everyone quickly glanced in my direction.

Mr. President. There's something I want you to know, and I just can't control it in any longer.

"Yes, what is it?"

"I..."

Before I was able to deliver my lines of romantic poetry, I noticed people started laughing.

"I just wanted to say that I love you."

Everyone laughed even harder.

Laconic in my expressions of love, I'm sure people found it difficult to believe that a man with Bush's charm and intelligence could ever find a woman like me sexually appealing; I mean after all , he did grow up in a desert. How could any respectable woman ever compete with that?

One of the reporters walked up to me and whispered:

"I think you might want to go to the bathroom."

Distressed and confused I rushed to the bathroom.

Oh man! What could it possibly be: a misplaced hair, ingrown nail, an unexpected visit from Aunt Menorrhea.

As soon as I stepped into the bathroom, there they were, bold as day and bright as the sun, sticking right through my shirt.

"What was I going to do, they just wouldn't go away."

There was no way I could accept my award like this; all hope was lost. I quietly escaped through the back door leaving no trace of my wretched disposition.

Riding in the cab on the way home, I thought of how I was one step closer to becoming the 2nd lady.

I picked up the phone. It was President Bush calling me to convey his admiration for my brave acts of love. He said no young lady had ever expressed romantic feelings for him in that way, and then he proceeded to give me an impressionable spiel on tribal sovereignty.

If there's one thing I've learned from this unfortunate event today it's that: Although George W. Bush has not been our most eloquent speaking president, his words still continue to manifest in all the hearts and minds of America.

And for this reason reason I've decided to duck tape my nipples whenever I go out.

Has President Bush ever made an impact on your life?

A moment

2010-07-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

Let's chase our shadows under the rainbow

followed by the path of the sun

as our love manifests itself through colour

and the heavens smile down upon our faces

lifting our spirits into a plume of clouds

and at night we'll face each other

under the moon shining so brightly

as darkness takes us

everywhere but nowhere

making the motion in a picture come true

nothing in this world exists

but our peace of minds so sound

Love: Something learned or something inborn?

Somewhere over the rainbow, you will find me

2010-07-28T05:27:00.000-07:00

I nurtured the idea of you leaving him. I desperately wanted to be there for you. It felt good for once, that you actually needed me. The thought of someone like you actually needing pathetic ol me. I say pathetic because it's often a misguided perception of myself.

I look to you for hope, exhilaration, and uplifting advice, but instead you berate me like a four year old child. It's okay to be myself around you, just as long as it stays within your ideals of not who I am, but who you want me to be.

I understand your projected anger towards me at the moment, and I can only say I battle the same demons within myself from time to time. You say I need to learn how to deal with my emotions, but sometimes I'm unable to process what I'm feeling at the moment, and you see this as a weakness.

"Blah Blah Blah! No one understands you! The whole world's against you."

"How many times have I heard this dreadful line?"

"The entire world's against president Bush; you don't see him blogging about it."

"You tolerate other's ignorance, you should speak up more."

Yes, this is one of the many unresolved conflicts I loathe to face day after day. The question is why is it so difficult for me to confront people about my emotions?

Could it be that you're a woman....

It's because I feel I shouldn't have any emotions. Or no, wait maybe it's because when I finally do muster up enough courage to deliver, you make my thoughts and feelings seem so trivial to everything else in the world.

What is this....Ricki Lake

It could also be that I'm so afraid of people knowing the truth about me, so I hold back. And the truth is that I care; it doesn't determine the outcome of my life or predict the next outfit I'm going to wear, but it hurts.

"Their piercing words seep through my bleeding heart."

I hide behind what's real. I hide behind the real me because deep down inside I'm afraid people won't accept me.

So the question of the evening? Why do I need people to accept me- this unresolved issue lingering inside me.

I feel so unworthy of everyone's love and attention because I'm so afraid of finding it within myself. Maybe once I find it, I'll have to deal with what's really there and live with it day after day.

"Accept yourself, so that you won't need acceptance from anyone else."

Yes, I understand you're going through something. But I'm antagonizing myself with all these irrational thoughts of who I'm supposed to be. It may not be that important to you, but it's real to me.

Just because I can't have a candid discussion with you about what I'm going through, doesn't mean I don't love you. You're growing as a person, and I think it's fair to say I'm doing the same.

"Someone as strong and independent as me carries the burden of having it all figured it out."

"Did you just say you were strong; I'm sorry are we reading the same blog post here?"

Critical thinking questions....

Would you consider yourself a strong and independent individual?

Do you feel as if you always carry other people's burdens?

Do you think your closest friends truly accept and understand who you are as a person?

Love

2010-07-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

Love- an untamed force inexplicably challenging yet dangerously rewarding.
What is love?

We are faced with this question everyday of our lives.
He doesn't love me anymore. My insecurities have not only confused him, but drove him into the arms of another woman.

Love -something learned or something taught

I made him feel like he wasn't enough, and now he doesn't want me.
I chose to seek happiness through him instead of finding it within myself , and now he's gone.

Love-something we can't run away from; we must learn to face it.

When we broke up, he withdrew emotionally; I couldn't understand why. Maybe he was afraid. Men usually distant themselves from women when they are afraid. I should've welcomed him with open arms when he came back to me, but instead I recalcitrated against every insensitive proposal he had.

One ticket for heaven please!

2010-07-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

As humans we often torture our minds, hearts, and souls. I've plotted a million different ways to commit suicide but could never bring myself to go through with it. Is it because I love myself too much? Or maybe I'm afraid of where I might end up when I die? I never imagined life could be so difficult. There's no one waiting with all the answers. What's even more frustrating is trying to find the answers within yourself. Is it really supposed to be this complicated?

I wish I knew. One would think it should come easier with age. The older you get the more you know; but getting older is about doing the right thing with what you know and making the right decisions. So every decision I make will affect me for the rest of my life? Well, that's just too much pressure. I'd rather torture myself, and I do.

And I'm losing myself in the process......

If only I could talk to them, and tell them how I feel. I never meant for things to end up this way. She beat me, and tortured me in the most unimaginable ways but I loved her. I can't see anything. There's no heaven, stars, or big white angels to come take me away. Just the darkness of my eyes and the bottom of the ground is all I see. Wait, something is happening. My body feels heavy. My muscles are tightening and my skin is shrinking. Oh no! What is this! I notice her.

The one who did this to me. I can see my limp body lying in the coffin. I can hear them talking about saying how it was for my own good and I got what I deserved. I feel cold. Then She came to me. How was she able to feel and touch me as I was and others were not. She said that she felt lost without me. "Without you, No one will ever really know who I am." "Some people don't believe in you but everyone needs someone like you." "Most people can't see you although they know you're there."

"Most people take you for granted because they feel they can get along just fine without you."I want my soul back."

Do you believe in souls?

What do you think happens to our bodies when we die?

Do you believe in reincarnation?

"Are we there yet? How many licks until we reach the center of Heaven, mommy?"

2010-07-24T03:25:00.000-07:00

How dare you condemn my brother for the path he has chosen? Who are you to say what he's doing is right or wrong? Matter of fact I think we'll all turn out better than you!
At least my brother is devoted to his family. Don't I deserve a little more credit for not conceiving at a young age? At least our baby boy comes from a stable and loving home. I feel sorry for you.

You say I'm not resourceful, but obviously I'm doing something right, I have a job, and a damn good one too.Why do you even want me to live with you? (Subconscious mind: He needs you; he doesn't have anyone else). "I love you and I want us to be together forever." You need to be honest with yourself. (Subconscious mind: He can't face the truth).

Until then, I should be on my own. I need stability. "Ask anyone, I'm the most stable person you'll ever meet." You're always putting other people down. I believe the way you treat others is a reflection of what you feel inside. You say you're joking but every joke has a ring of truth. "Baby, I don't mean to hurt you, I'm only kidding."

If you really feel that damn peaceful then why is there a cloud of negativity looming over your head? (Subconscious mind: Deep down inside he knows that he's a failure but he refuses to present himself as a vulnerable creature). My mother may not be as worldy as you, but she has worked damn hard to build a foundation for her family. She hasn't traveled to exotic places and could barely read 15 years ago but she's always gonna be there no matter what. Dad, I honestly don't know if I can say that about you.

I know that you love me and at times you care, but seriously,what are your motives? (Subconscious mind: You're the only person that understands him).What are you feelings deep down inside? "I don't have a relationship with any of my kids." "I don't have anyone; it doesn't matter whether I live or die." You're constantly trying to prove something to yourself and others.You criticize their pain yet it parallels the anguish you caused from not being in my life.

Do you have a healthy relationship with your father? If so, is there a special bond that exists between the two of you?

Do you believe unhealthy relationships with fathers affect your percerption of life?

The way we are

2010-07-24T01:05:00.001-07:00

I never realized how much I hated him until someone said his name. I don't even love him so why does it hurt so much. Well at least I'm not in love with him.

He beat all the sadness out of me. Everything I worked hard to become was long lost way before we even met. With that being say, I absolutely detest everything he stands for.

I'm sure every woman has struggled in relationships. We fall in love so quickly and then wake up with these unimaginable feelings of emptiness. Deep inside our hearts, we believe he was the one but then there's that tiny little voice inside of us saying "You can do better than him." Most of us ignore this voice in fear of being alone. Some of us don't want to start over and most of us believe we'll never find another as sensitive and understanding as he. Well, I say risk it! Ladies, we must not only learn to internalize our feelings but understand them as well.

Why are we so afraid of being alone? Doesn't the solitary life you lead as a single woman evoke the same kind of sadness you feel from being with a man that doesn't love you? Most of us decide to put up with it anyway, and then we develop this cynical outlook on life. Is it healthy for us?Is this why we're incapable of loving ourselves or is it why so many others fall short of loving us?

The spotless mind

2010-07-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

Why do I strive so much to be perfect? I claim to have absolutely no regard for what others think, yet I'm the first to primp and curl my hair in the morning, and the last one standing in the mirror on the way out of class.

There must be some underlying issues with me. (subconscious mind- you don't feel you are worthy of love, so you feel a need to prove yourself to others). But, I'm so strong and confident: I'm capable of handling almost anything on my own. Invincible in the eye of others and intimidating to most, how could somehow like me ever feel like they had something to prove?
(subconscious mind-It is women like you that need the most support because you carry the burden of the being the most formidable opponent.

I was lost then and I'm lost now. At times I feel great, and then all of a sudden, I'm compelled to crawl into a big empty shell. I lie awake at night questioning my self-worth and capabilities. I believed experiencing solitude on all possible levels would shape me into a more self-contained person, but at times my goals seem so insurmountable, I feel like giving up. (subconscious mind-sometimes good feelings evoke emotional discrepancies from your past causing you to feel lost and helpless.

Hopefully one day I'll be able to make sense of everything going on inside of me. I can't bear to imagine going on like this forever. I really want someone to liberate me from this dark and lonely place, but I trust no one but myself. (subconscious-you must open your heart to other's love or you'll never be able to emotionally heal from the past).